Gordistotle’s Four Rules To Surviving A Cottage Weekend With Your Partner’s Family

This article is part of The G Spot, a weekly segment where criticista Gordistotle gives insight into the pop culture happenings of now through opinions or anecdotes on his life living in Toronto.

May 24, 2024 | Written by Gordistotle

Unbeknownst to me, Victoria Day kicks off the beginning of cottage pilgrimages for the Summer. Since it was only the fourth time I’d ever even been to a cottage, this was news to me.

I guess I’m just… not in the know!

I received word from my boyfriend that I’d be accompanying him and his entire family this weekend, and despite being very excited about the much-needed vacation, I was more than a little nervous.

I’ve met his parents many-a-time before, but never have I stayed over this long, especially on a family trip. I knew I had to be on my best behaviour if I ever wanted to be invited back here. That’s when it hit me. “Be Mindful of Why You Were Invited To The Cottage” in reference to the meme that’s been terrorizing socials as of late.

Now I could go on and on about my lovely time swimming at the beach, canoeing, sharing drinks, and relaxing.

But is that interesting? Not really.

Instead, I compiled a list of rules (including some mistakes I made) on how one should conduct themselves when at their partner’s family cottage.

Rule One: Never ask for alcohol, as that’s just unbecoming.

Much classier to wait until it’s offered to you. The 5 PM cocktail is typically when corks start getting opened, come on, everyone needs a drink to ease the pain of that burn you got from frying in the sun all day. But that does not mean the booze floodgates have opened, you still need to be classy. This isn’t King Street baby, this is Muskoka. So, what you’re going to do is nurse the Aperol Spritz you’ve been offered and refrain from chugging the entire thing.

Just because you’ve been cooking all day in the North Ontario sun doesn’t mean you get to get belligerent, keep some water handy, and only go for that second drink after you’ve been nursing your cocktail for at least 2 hours.

The beer you got offered with dinner should be consumed within the meal, no point letting this one linger. Any more drinks and you’ll lose the ability to control your tongue and you’ll find yourself repeating things like “Sabrina Carpenter sucks NHL cocks” from a now-deleted Poo Crave tweet. Still not sure if his mom heard it (thankfully)... but it was still embarrassing when I realized what had left my lips during a family game of cards.

Which brings me to my next rule.

Rule Two: Watch. Your. Language.

It doesn’t matter how everyone else is speaking, you’re the guest (outsider) and need to behave as such! Whereas I normally speak my mind (zero filter, those who know me can attest), I tried my absolute hardest not to speak in profanities all weekend long.

Considering that my best attempt at this still led to the aforementioned SabrinaSucksCocks moment, it probably paints the picture of how much worse it could have gone.

Nonetheless, it’s up to you to learn from my mistakes and conduct yourself in a way that gets the parents to see you as the respectable young adult that you are!

Rule Three: Play Their Card Games

My boyfriend’s family seemed to have a never-ending collection of games; Trivial Pursuit, Clue, and to me, what appeared to be any and every card game under the sun.

You must play the games they want to play. To do otherwise is simply disrespectful and next thing you know you’re alone in bed the next time your boyfriend frolics around in the cool waters of Lake Muskoka. While the urge to crush the competition may come over you, you must control it. You can have ambition, but not too much, otherwise you will threaten the family.

Rule Four: Keep PDA To A Minimum

Lastly, while the summer heat drives anyone incredibly horny, remember where you are. This should go without saying but that’s just simply not how one should act at meemaw and peepaw’s cottage… Save it for when everyone’s asleep!

While I may have made some slip-ups, and definitely wasn’t always conducting as my classiest self, his family is luckily very kind and welcoming.

Learn from my mistakes and remember… Be mindful of why you were invited to the cottage.